July is leaving us soon, which also means third semester is meeting its' righteous end. It has been hurricane crazy for the past couple of months, everything swirling and spinning at the same time, at its highest speed of pace. I dare say Hussain Bolt is in serious jealousy of its ability to drift away lighting fast! Having to juggle works that are in the pile of the mountain everest which, has pinned holes in my emotion lobes. "Adat belajar" they say. Oh insanity. Waking up at 6 in the morning, get to classes, if they aren't any classes i still have to go to the workshop to complete up the piles of work, and by the time i get to my rental house, i'm too exhaused to either sleep or just snooze off. One thing that i absolutely very much hate about being exhausted is how it affects my brain. My brain would be automatically switched off, couldn't even think straight, couldn't read, couldn't dissolve knowledgeable words into the big boss' wrinkles (the brain). People who constantly keep in touch with me would notice. Others, otherwise, would just rate me as a snoob (for replying one word to their 350 words worth of essay texts). I guess i can't blame it all on them for thinking so, i am, for one, never confide in them of my crazy hectic life. In my defense, i don't feel like filling them up on my life because i tend to spit out complaints, annoying, heavy complaint rants which i know for sure that they are not interested in knowing. I tend to bore people with my worthless, endless sinful complaints. Can't help it thou.. so safe to say, i would rather keep my gob shut tight.
I don't feel like myself lately. Which leads to me questioning myself, WHAT DID MYSELF FEEL LIKE IN THE FIRST PLACE? It's devastating, the feeling of having everyone once close to you drift away, slowly but surely. My bestfriends and family. I don't quite feel the same warm security of yesteryears when i'm with them now. Which frightens me, it affects me more than anyone could ever think. I can't even open up to my mom. I'm her blood and bones, so in a way i was biologically programmed or you can even use the word, OBLIGATED to confide in her, share some wavy thoughts on life with her, without forcing myself, it should feel natural. But, it doesn't feel natural at all. Its like, when i want to question her about life and what not, its like there's this invisible tape wrapped all over my face. I get really anxious and the nerves will be wrestling amongst themselves in my mind. So in the end, i would just swallow my words and let them eat me up inside. I have strings attached to my muscles. They have control over me. Isn't it funny? Letting your inside have control over you. As bizzare as that may sound, that's how it goes.
Will i be like this forever? Lets all pray for the best.
