"So build yourself as beautiful as you want your world to be. Wrap yourself in light then give yourself away with your heart, your brush, your march, your art, your poetry, your play. And for every day you paint the war, take a week and paint the beauty, the color, the shape of the landscape you're marching towards. Everyone knows what you're against; show them what you are for."



"To wander in the fields of flowers, pull the thorns from your heart." - Rumi

Have you ever had the intense urge to leave your body,
to disperse into tiny particles and let pieces of you be blown by the wind.
That way, you are everywhere,

you are in the air,
in the flowers,
in the trees,
in the air that people breathe in,
in the river,
in the sea,
in between lovers' embrace,
in your mother's delicate touches,
in the lungs of your loved ones,

That way, you get to be with the world, to blend in, as one.
I love tattoos, but even if it wasn't against my religion, I still believe i would not get around to permanently carving them onto my skin, due to the fact that i'm always changing my mind/regretting my decision. I'm not sure about anyone else, but i'm constantly growing, developing, evolving. I'm not even the same person i was 5 minutes ago. It's like, i would spend hours, trying to figure something out, and just when i reach to a conclusion, i start questioning it again - and i'm back to square one. That way, i gain numerous perspectives about a matter that i ponder upon. Sometimes it's a bliss and sometimes, it feels like a huge burden. I believe everything in this world is not set in stone, even the Universe is ever expanding. So i say, by all means, QUESTION everything.
Wow i’m so over the whole staying-up-late-for-the-sake-of-football-match phase. I guess when my bestfriend (whom i used to stay up and watch football with) passed away, the obsession got buried along with him which i find odd, because i was REALLY crazy about football even before we were friends and now when other people try to get me to watch football, i’m just like.. meh i’d rather watch Glee (i freaking hate Glee) and i get annoyed with obsessive football fans (and the fact that i was one of the obsessive ones) maybe this is growing up maybe i have just grown out of it but yeah i wonder if my love for football will ever be sparked again because i miss the adrenaline rush i get upon watching it and truth be told, i just miss my bestfriend so much, it hurts. 

Mama selalu bercerita. Antara proses nak beranak yang dia alami, yang paling sakit, seksa, yang paling perit adalah proses kelahiran aku.

Keberangkalian aku sudah selesa didalam wombnya. Terlebih selesa mungkin. Atau barangkali aku fikir aku baby kangaroo, pasang niat untuk hidup dikantung ibu? Nampak tak masa bayi lagi aku dah berkhayal bukan-bukan?

Sejam berlalu, namun bayi yang degil (iaitu aku) masih tidak kelihatan. Doktor sudah cemas, kalau tak keluar dalam 1 minit, akan bertemu ajal tapi aku masih degil, embracing my own sweet time, as it seemed. Nampak tak masa bayi lagi dah rebel? Bertarung dengan nyawa dan bermandi dengan keringatnya, mama tetap kuat semangat, berlawan untuk pop me out, yang semasa itu terlalu selesa. Mungkin aku buat somersault dalam womb mama, sehinggakan leher aku dibelit tali pusat sendiri. Nampak tak masa bayi lagi dah nak commit suicide?

Aku pernah berfikir.. no scratch that, aku selalu terfikir.
Selalu aku termenung, melayan fikiran aku yang racun.
Tapi aku tak mampu nak tepis persoalan-persoalan racun yang datang menerpa.
Jadi aku layan, aku termenung dan aku layan.

Mengapa nyawaku tidak bertemu sahaja dengan noktahnya
ketika dalam proses rumit kelahiranku?

Tak perlu susah-susah nak harungi liku dunia yang semakin tajam. Dunia yang semakin kejam. Aku benci. Aku selalu dicubit perasaan marah. Marah pada diri sendiri. Marah pada mama kerana melahirkan aku. Tapi alhamdulillah, dalam marah, aku masih waras. Marah pada mama? Itu tidak rasional. Mama bertarung dengan nyawa dia sendiri, untuk aku. Apa tak selfish aku nak cincang pengorbanan dia dengan lumat, begitu saja? After what she had gone through, after what she had endured, i suppose i would just, let it all go.. that easy? Aku dilahirkan dari mama. Datangnya aku, wujudnya aku - semua kerana Dia. Apa aku ragui Tuhan semesta alam? Yang Maha Mengetahui setiap sesuatu yang berlaku, Yang Maha Merancang. Siapa aku untuk persoalkan kuasaNya?

Aku ada terjumpa buku puisi lama di masjid uzur di Terengganu. Baru selak muka surat pertama, aku sudah jatuh hati. Puisi yang membuat jantungku berdegup dengan kencang, lagi kencang dari berhadapan dengan crush (ecewah);

Wujudku adalah pahatan terbengkalai
Kasar, tanpa bentuk dan belum muncul mutunya
Cinta lalu menghaluskannya; Aku pun menjelma manusia
Dan kuperoleh hikmah dari fitra alam semesta

Gerak nadi langit telah kukenal
Pun darah mengalir di urat-urat bulan
Sering malam hari kuratapi tujuan hidup manusia
Hingga terkoyak rabir rahasia pada akhirnya
Dan dari ruang percobaan kejadian
Kuperah susunan rahasia kehidupan

Bagai bulan, kuliputi malam dengan keindahan
Akulah debu yang memeluk iman Islam
Iman meluas merongga lembah dan ngarai
Dan menyalahkan lagu api tak kunjung padam
Sebutir zarrah disemainya dan dipetiknya matahari
Dituainya ratusan penyair seperti Attar dan Rumi.

Aku keluh: Lalu membubung tinggi
Aku asap, namun jadi barang berkobar
Setelah diterbangkan cita luhur ke angkasa
Penaku mencampakkan tabir rahasia
Hingga setitik air merangkum lautan
Dan pasir meluas jadi gurun Sahara.

This poem means the world to me.
A gift, from my Lord at times of darkness.

Aku akan terus berjuang. InsyaAllah.

This insane, indescribable urge to watch a movie, to read and to listen to music, all at once.


Tell me, is numbness some sort of a fluid? Because i could have sworn my system is overdosed with it, i can feel the fluid, spreading its venom, circulating my system, freezing everything that is on the inside. I feel heavy. Gravity is conspiring against me this time, dragging me down, into the ground.

Staring at scripted-conversations, facial expressions, their lips are moving rapidly, but i can't hear a thing for they are drowned in the music that i put on, simultaneously. That way, everyone in the movie are singing. Even when they are sad. I guess that makes me feel less sorrowful.

Disorientating, but a self-inflicted disorientation. 
I feel in control. 
I need to be in control.


Aku perlu luahkan sesuatu.

Tapi aku tidak tahu bagaimana.

It's like, it's there, i can feel those vomit-thoughts, but i just couldn't string them out.
They are shy, i guess. Or just, reserved.

It's 13 minutes to 5 a.m. and i'm cursed with the late-night/early-morning thoughts. Kelakar, ada berbillion-billion manusia seluruh dunia, namun seseorang masih boleh rasa sepi. Sepi yang kadang menghinggap tanpa kau sendiri sedari. Wanna know what sucks? The feeling that comes. That pain you feel in your chest, as it tightens, chokes you up and you can't breath, it grips you tight. Rasa seperti dicucuk beratus jarum sakitnya Ya Rabbi tak dapat aku hujahkan. Sakitnya menyeluruh, sakit yang buat aku kaku. Kalau rasa sakit itu boleh disental, sudah lama aku sental dengan clorox. That's what suck, not being able to get ride of the pain, the hollowness that eats you up. I have come to realize that those feelings, they never went away. Just.. suppressed, crammed into our unconscious mind. Jadi aku punyai soalan, unconscious mind tu terletak kat mana? Tolong beri aku peta. Tolong bagi aku direction untuk jalan ke hala unconscious mind. Tolong, aku merayu. Aku perlu hapuskan segala perasaan yang membuatku kaku. Aku perlu bunuh, dan tanam ia dalam lubang yang dalamnya enam kaki kebawah.


Tolong aku.

Aku merayu.

Tolong.

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku,
Ampuni hambaMu yang kerdil ini
Yang selalu sahaja leka, alpa
Selalu sahaja membelakangkanMu.


Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku,
HambaMu ini sentiasa mendambakanMu
Sentiasa sahaja merinduiMu
Walaupun dalam sujudku,
Ku tagihkan cintaMu.


Oh Ya Allah,
Ya Tuhanku,
Tuhan sekalian Alam Semesta.
Tuhan aku dah engkau.
Tuhan kita semua.
DariNya kita hidup,
DariNya juga kita mati.