A thing i loathe about my ~depression~ (it's a strong word, but i don't know any other word to describe it) , is that, when it hits me, it hits me deep. It's like you're laying on the beach, marveling upon the beauty of Allah's creations and then out of nowhere, massive Tsunami waves ambush you. A wave after a wave. I hate having to withdraw myself from the ones i care about, i have no choice, it's either that or hurting them with my snappy icy-cold remarks. I hate how bitter and cold i get. It freaks me out sometimes, how i get from being the most bubbly person to this extreme asshole, within the gap of 0.2 seconds. I guess that's why i push people away, it's easier that way. That way, i don't have to hurt them, because God knows how difficult i am to be understood. It's like i want to be understood, but when people try to understand me, i deny their understanding and be a bitch about it instead. Sometimes i get jealous of people who get to leave me, because i don't get to leave me. Sometimes i just want to detach myself from myself, leave my body to rot, while i break into tiny particles and disperse into the air. That way, i will be among the trees, the birds, flowers, the summer breeze. That way, i can contribute to people, without harming them, without hurting them. That way, i can be apart of the world, without constantly feeling anxious and being hit my the strong tidal of the Tsunami waves of depression. I have so much love in me, i want to give and express my love to everyone because despite my "i hate everyone" misanthropic facade, i actually love people. Whenever i see beautiful people, i just want to virtually hug them (i don't really do real life hugging though, it's awkward and suffocating and it makes me want to cry). I have so much to work on, everytime i feel like i've got myself figured out, i'll trip into the same deep hole, which made everything change again. 

"Identity is parallel to constant change, you are not the person you were 3 years ago,"

I couldn't agree more with that phrase, yes, identity and the whole point of living is somehow parallel to constant change. It's not about how many times, or how deep you fall into the same hole, it's not about how many times you die, it's how you get yourself back up. It's how you pick your pieces back together, how you glue them back, how you stitch them back into place. It can never be as wholly as you were before, but that's the point. You have to have holes every now and then, we're constantly pricked with needles, we have holes within, it comes down to the matter of how and with what you fill those holes up. Alhamdulillah - that's when religion becomes essential to me. I love God so much, although i'm constantly defying His laws, challenging Him by committing the same tedious sins, He WILL ALWAYS be there for me when i hit the very bottom of rock bottom. Sometimes, i feel like it's intentional, of me hitting rock bottom, so i would turn to Him, because He misses his weak servant so much. It's always comforting to know that no matter what, I will always have Him. I love You, Ya Rabb.