I'm scared of myself. I'm scared of my demented thoughts. I'm scared of how easy it is for me to change my mind. I'm scared of my past. I'm scared of my ugly capabilities. Of how a word can change my entire whole life, in a single snap sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a fucked up way. I'm scared of this dark noxious ocean in me that is about to overflow as it please.

There's a light that never goes out.

I guess a death of someone very dear to you would somewhat imprint a permanent mark in your heart, like a limited edition tattoo that won't let you forget about it, no matter how busy you make yourself, no matter how hard you try not to think of the matter, no matter how deep you push the matter away from your mind, it comes springing back to you like it has a way of pushing itself up to the utmost surface and crawls back to your head and haunt you. I can't run away from it, so i concluded; it's how i embrace it. After being in serious grief for 3 days straight, i started to pull myself together again. Like i said to my momma, "I'll move on soon, in the meantime, let me mourn as i please okay?" There's a reason why it happened the way it did. After giving it a massive thought, i came up with a silver lining from it. Your passing sort of serves me good. Whenever i think of the late Syamil, i would immediately think of how death awaits, how it is inevitably catching up on me, how my time is really really limited; along comes the fear, the insecurities, the humble, small-like-a-dirt feeling and it will consequently make me want to be better. A better daughter, a better sister, a better human being and most importantly, a better servant/muslim in the eye of Allah SWT. I guess the death of Syamil shocked me, it slapped me, very hard in the face. I've been letting myself beguiled by the temporary worthless life. Chasing something temporary in conquest of reaching temporary satisfaction and for what? It's safe to say that i have been awakened now. Alhamdulillah, i'm trying my very best to humble myself before YOU, to serve only YOU, Ya Allah. I seek your forgiveness and your mercy. Al Fatihah to my lovely buddy, you my friend, never failed to help me in times of need, even when you're physically no longer around. For that, i hope Allah grants you the highest level of Jannah and has glowing holy light stretched out wide for you in your grave. Amin.

Jika umurku panjang menyebabkanku lemas dan hanyut dalam genggaman kekayaan dunia, maka ambil lah nyawaku sebelumku jatuh, tergelincir seterusnya tenggelam dalam perut dunia yang tidak menjanjikan apa-apa.