Drowning, drowning and drowning.

I'm scared of myself. I'm scared of my demented thoughts. I'm scared of how easy it is for me to change my mind. I'm scared of my past. I'm scared of my ugly capabilities. Of how a word can change my entire whole life, in a single snap sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a fucked up way. I'm scared of this dark noxious ocean in me that is about to overflow as it please.

There's a light that never goes out.

I guess a death of someone very dear to you would somewhat imprint a permanent mark in your heart, like a limited edition tattoo that won't let you forget about it, no matter how busy you make yourself, no matter how hard you try not to think of the matter, no matter how deep you push the matter away from your mind, it comes springing back to you like it has a way of pushing itself up to the utmost surface and crawls back to your head and haunt you. I can't run away from it, so i concluded; it's how i embrace it. After being in serious grief for 3 days straight, i started to pull myself together again. Like i said to my momma, "I'll move on soon, in the meantime, let me mourn as i please okay?" There's a reason why it happened the way it did. After giving it a massive thought, i came up with a silver lining from it. Your passing sort of serves me good. Whenever i think of the late Syamil, i would immediately think of how death awaits, how it is inevitably catching up on me, how my time is really really limited; along comes the fear, the insecurities, the humble, small-like-a-dirt feeling and it will consequently make me want to be better. A better daughter, a better sister, a better human being and most importantly, a better servant/muslim in the eye of Allah SWT. I guess the death of Syamil shocked me, it slapped me, very hard in the face. I've been letting myself beguiled by the temporary worthless life. Chasing something temporary in conquest of reaching temporary satisfaction and for what? It's safe to say that i have been awakened now. Alhamdulillah, i'm trying my very best to humble myself before YOU, to serve only YOU, Ya Allah. I seek your forgiveness and your mercy. Al Fatihah to my lovely buddy, you my friend, never failed to help me in times of need, even when you're physically no longer around. For that, i hope Allah grants you the highest level of Jannah and has glowing holy light stretched out wide for you in your grave. Amin.

Jika umurku panjang menyebabkanku lemas dan hanyut dalam genggaman kekayaan dunia, maka ambil lah nyawaku sebelumku jatuh, tergelincir seterusnya tenggelam dalam perut dunia yang tidak menjanjikan apa-apa.

Blue skies.

Dont you just love that feeling of gratitude when your eyes witness something insignificant yet ever so beautiful. I was out and about in Machang for groceries shopping and basically just to get the fuck out of the house. As i was on the motorbike, with the wind in my face, the cool breeze enlightened my nervous system. It was a light feeling, having your burdens of stress drowned out. I passed along this road with an abandoned building on the right side. That was when i spotted two little grey kittens sleeping side by side and it immediately hit me - life really is beautiful. "The world, even the smallest parts of it, is filled with things you don't know." Beautiful quote eh? Most people are blind-sided by those kind of insignificantly beautiful scene. I'm glad i've had my eyes peeled for the littlest things. Its the littlest things that matter sometimes. I've been drowning in my own pool of frustrations these couple of weeks. Now, i'm learning to swim, to float. I can see the source of the sunlight and i've decided to stay afloat, overlooking the beautiful blue sky.

Oh i'll be okay. InsyaAllah.

I saw a dead month by the door.

July is leaving us soon, which also means third semester is meeting its' righteous end. It has been hurricane crazy for the past couple of months, everything swirling and spinning at the same time, at its highest speed of pace. I dare say Hussain Bolt is in serious jealousy of its ability to drift away lighting fast! Having to juggle works that are in the pile of the mountain everest which, has pinned holes in my emotion lobes. "Adat belajar" they say. Oh insanity. Waking up at 6 in the morning, get to classes, if they aren't any classes i still have to go to the workshop to complete up the piles of work, and by the time i get to my rental house, i'm too exhaused to either sleep or just snooze off. One thing that i absolutely very much hate about being exhausted is how it affects my brain. My brain would be automatically switched off, couldn't even think straight, couldn't read, couldn't dissolve knowledgeable words into the big boss' wrinkles (the brain). People who constantly keep in touch with me would notice. Others, otherwise, would just rate me as a snoob (for replying one word to their 350 words worth of essay texts). I guess i can't blame it all on them for thinking so, i am, for one, never confide in them of my crazy hectic life. In my defense, i don't feel like filling them up on my life because i tend to spit out complaints, annoying, heavy complaint rants which i know for sure that they are not interested in knowing. I tend to bore people with my worthless, endless sinful complaints. Can't help it thou.. so safe to say, i would rather keep my gob shut tight.


I don't feel like myself lately. Which leads to me questioning myself, WHAT DID MYSELF FEEL LIKE IN THE FIRST PLACE? It's devastating, the feeling of having everyone once close to you drift away, slowly but surely. My bestfriends and family. I don't quite feel the same warm security of yesteryears when i'm with them now. Which frightens me, it affects me more than anyone could ever think. I can't even open up to my mom. I'm her blood and bones, so in a way i was biologically programmed or you can even use the word, OBLIGATED to confide in her, share some wavy thoughts on life with her, without forcing myself, it should feel natural. But, it doesn't feel natural at all. Its like, when i want to question her about life and what not, its like there's this invisible tape wrapped all over my face. I get really anxious and the nerves will be wrestling amongst themselves in my mind. So in the end, i would just swallow my words and let them eat me up inside. I have strings attached to my muscles. They have control over me. Isn't it funny? Letting your inside have control over you. As bizzare as that may sound, that's how it goes.



Will i be like this forever? Lets all pray for the best.

Pernah kah kau ada?

Its like, i have all these thoughts bubbling up in my mind but due to difficulties to put them into words, they're stuck in my mind and causing chaos and what not. They're pulling rebellious acts on me, which explains (sort of) my emotional instability. The constant hunger, anger, vengeance and all that sinful crap. I get royally ticked off over the silliest, meaningless, ridiculously outrageous things. Or is it just 'cause my period is pedaling its way to me?



Either way, i'm famished. For kindness.



Hihi gawd, i'm cornier than those teens who claim to be in love with Kurt Cobain. Lol. Die die die :3 I can't help but to feel under-appreciated sometimes. There, i said it. I feel like i'm the least appreciated. I suck at expressing myself. I'm prone to have all these thoughts and feelings bottled up.


Oh put a bloody sock in it, Mira.