Happier.

In a few days, i'll be kissing 2010 goodbye, for good, with tears of joy in my eyes. 2011 is fast approaching. Everything is twirling around at the speed of light, everything that i went through in 2010 has turned into nothing but vague pasts. Vague memories, that's what they have become. I went through a lot in 2010 - most of 'em deserves an abrupt, aggressive wave of middle fingers but they ain't that bad, to be completely honest, 2010 definitely deserves an all around cheers! My scattered pieces of puzzles of a mind has been slowly not completely but surely slowly being matched to fit the pieces altogether. Sometimes i still don't get the world. I thought as i grew older, i would understand and manage to comprehend the world much deeper.. but reality is - the older you get, the deeper you tend to crawl back into the pitch-black abyss. And the disturbing part is, sometimes its for you own good! When i come to think of it, i have slightly grown. Not wiser or smater but in the manner of being able to view the world in different, more sanely, perspective. I'm trying to lower down my expectations on life as William Shakespeare would say "Expectation is the root of all heartache." and that couldn't be more precise. But i am only human so i'd end up setting my expectations sky high anyway and being massively disappointed in return. Whoopeedeedoo! I promise myself not to make resolutions anymore since i never fulfill any of it but i have to aim for something, right? So in courtesy of 2011, i will take the challenge of completing my resolutions whole-heartedly! Except for.. i haven't made a list yet. So in these long days before 2011, i'll make a list for it. And hopefully, by 31st December 2011, i'll have the joyous, cheerful, genuine, victorious smile on my face and scream "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!" and give myself a well-deserved pat. Oh dream, dream, dream Mira. Dream big!

Drowning, drowning and drowning.

I'm scared of myself. I'm scared of my demented thoughts. I'm scared of how easy it is for me to change my mind. I'm scared of my past. I'm scared of my ugly capabilities. Of how a word can change my entire whole life, in a single snap sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a fucked up way. I'm scared of this dark noxious ocean in me that is about to overflow as it please.

There's a light that never goes out.

I guess a death of someone very dear to you would somewhat imprint a permanent mark in your heart, like a limited edition tattoo that won't let you forget about it, no matter how busy you make yourself, no matter how hard you try not to think of the matter, no matter how deep you push the matter away from your mind, it comes springing back to you like it has a way of pushing itself up to the utmost surface and crawls back to your head and haunt you. I can't run away from it, so i concluded; it's how i embrace it. After being in serious grief for 3 days straight, i started to pull myself together again. Like i said to my momma, "I'll move on soon, in the meantime, let me mourn as i please okay?" There's a reason why it happened the way it did. After giving it a massive thought, i came up with a silver lining from it. Your passing sort of serves me good. Whenever i think of the late Syamil, i would immediately think of how death awaits, how it is inevitably catching up on me, how my time is really really limited; along comes the fear, the insecurities, the humble, small-like-a-dirt feeling and it will consequently make me want to be better. A better daughter, a better sister, a better human being and most importantly, a better servant/muslim in the eye of Allah SWT. I guess the death of Syamil shocked me, it slapped me, very hard in the face. I've been letting myself beguiled by the temporary worthless life. Chasing something temporary in conquest of reaching temporary satisfaction and for what? It's safe to say that i have been awakened now. Alhamdulillah, i'm trying my very best to humble myself before YOU, to serve only YOU, Ya Allah. I seek your forgiveness and your mercy. Al Fatihah to my lovely buddy, you my friend, never failed to help me in times of need, even when you're physically no longer around. For that, i hope Allah grants you the highest level of Jannah and has glowing holy light stretched out wide for you in your grave. Amin.

Jika umurku panjang menyebabkanku lemas dan hanyut dalam genggaman kekayaan dunia, maka ambil lah nyawaku sebelumku jatuh, tergelincir seterusnya tenggelam dalam perut dunia yang tidak menjanjikan apa-apa.